Saturday, March 28, 2015

Welcome to Strong Marriages = Strong Families


Welcome to our blog about how a strong marriage creates a strong family. Families are an important part of people's lives and of the society in which we live. This unit of society provides the ground work for all that we know and have. It is important that we keep our marriages and our families strong. Watch the video below to find out for yourself why marriage matters.



We have provided information to help you on your way to strengthening your marriage. Each tab has information that has been written by our bloggers to help you find answers to your questions. Please feel free to ask any questions that you may have in the comment boxes after each post.

Communication

Have you ever wondered if you are communicating with your spouse correctly? Is this how you feel when you are speaking or trying to speak to your spouse?




Or does this feel more like it?


Did you know


“Marriage is the Strongest Factor in Reducing Child Poverty in the U.S”
“Children in married families are 82 percent less likely to be poor than are children of single parents.”

“Children raised in intact families have, on average, higher academic achievement, better emotional health, and fewer behavioral problems.”
“Adolescents from intact families are less likely to become sexually active.”
“Children raised in intact families are more likely to have stable and healthy romantic relationships as adults.”
“Intact families are more likely to provide a safe home for children. Compared to peers in intact families, children in other family structures experienced significantly higher rates of exposure to domestic violence.”
“Married mothers tend to create a better home environment for their infants. Married mothers also tended to interact more positively with their infants compared to cohabiting or single mothers.”
“Married fathers tend to have better psychological well-being. Divorced fathers were, on average, more depressed than their married counterparts, whether or not their children resided with them.”

“Less than half (46%) of U.S. kids younger than 18 years of age are living in a home with two married heterosexual parents in their first marriage.” (In other words, less than half of the children in this country are experiencing the benefits from intact marriages listed above)

Popenoe, D. (1996). Life Without a Father, p. 96. New York: The Free Press.
“The burden of social science evidence supports the idea that gender differentiated parenting is important for human development and that the contribution f fathers to childbearing is unique and irreplaceable…
…The complementarity of male and female parenting styles is striking and of enormous importance to a child’s overall development. It is sometimes said that fathers express more concern for the child’s longer-term development, while mothers focus on the child’s immediate well-being (which, of course, in its own way has everything to do with a child’s long-term well-being).” –David Popenoe

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (13 August 2008). The Divine Institution of Marriage. Salt Lake City, UT.
“When a man and a woman marry with the intent of forming a new family, their success in that endeavor depends on their willingness to renounce the single-minded pursuit of self-fullfilment and to sacrifice their time and means to the nurturing and rearing of their children. Marriage is a fundamentally unselfish act: legally protected because only a male and female together can create new life, and because the rearing of children requires a life-long commitment, which marriage is intended to provide.”



Amato, P. R., & Booth, A. (1997). A generation at risk: Growing up in an era of family upheaval. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
 “Those who think of marriage as a permanent, life-long relationship despite times of hardship may work harder at improving a marriage and individual happiness, because they believe that divorce is not an option”

Blumstein, P., & Schwartz, P. (1983). American couples: Money, work, and sex. New York: William Morrow.
 “Spouses who did not believe marriage should last forever (in other words, they defined marriage as a less than permanent relationship) were less likely to pool their money and were more likely to have extramarital affairs.”

Amato, P. and Cheadle, J. (February 2005). The Long Reach of Divorce: Divorce and Child Well-Being Across Three Generations. The Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 67, No. 1. Blackwell Publishing Limited.
 “Compared with adults with continuously married parents, adults with divorced parents tend to obtain less education, earn less income, have more troubled marriages, have weaker ties with parents, and report more symptoms of psychological distress.”
“Spouses who later divorce (compared with spouses who remain married) listen to their partners less attentively, express more negative emotion in marital conversations, are more critical of their partners, are more likely to respond to criticism defensively, avoid or withdraw from problem-solving discussions, and report more problems with jealousy, moodiness, and controlling anger.”


“Living with stably married parents is associated with the highest premium in cognitive scores and the lowest level of behavioural problems among five-year-old children.”  

Covenant Marriage


In the late 1990’s people were becoming concerned about the soaring divorce rate in the U.S.  One of the proposed solutions was the concept of covenant marriage.  Covenant marriage is a voluntarily alternative to normal state marriage and divorce laws.  As a sign of commitment to long-term marriage the spouses agree to counseling and stringent requirements for divorce.  Three states offer covenant marriages- Louisiana, Arkansas, and Arizona.  The Louisiana law requires obtaining pre-marital counseling, a statement of intent, and an acknowledgement that the parties fully understand the extended requirements if a divorce is sought.  Divorce, except for emergency situations like abuse, requires attending counseling and a long waiting period.
            Only a small percentage of couples choose a covenant marriage.  No other states have passed covenant marriage legislation, despite many attempts.  Controversies have emerged from a variety of sources.  However, the concept of counseling both for premarital and pre-divorce couples is popular. 
            Since the Clinton administration relationship literacy education has been offered under a variety of programs.  Many education programs are paid for with funds from TANF (Temporary Assistance to Needy Families) and benefit those populations where marriage is most at risk.  There are relationship classes for every stage of marriage from teens just beginning to date to couples looking to maintain their marriages long-term.  The results from many relationship literacy education programs are promising.  One thing that can be done to improve these programs is to encourage more local control and innovation.  Expanding these programs to more audiences could help create a culture of strong marriages for everyone. 
            Your state probably does not offer a covenant marriage, but you can still make your marriage a covenant marriage.  You can choose to be committed to staying married.  You can choose to educate yourself about strengthening relationships.  You can choose persevere together though difficulties.
Written by Beckie
Useful Websites

References
Hawkins, A. & VanDenBerghe, B. (2014). Facilitating forever: A feasible public policy agenda                to help couples form and sustain healthy relationships and enduring marriages. Retrieved       from http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-            content/uploads/2014/03/FacilitatingForeverFINAL_Web031114.pdf

Hawkins, A., Nock, S., Wilson, J., Sanchez, L., & Wright, J. (n.d.). Attitudes about covenant       marriage and divorce: Policy implications from a three-state comparison*. Family            Relations, 166-175. Retrieved March 28, 2015, from             http://www.jstor.org.byui.idm.oclc.org/stable/3700202

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Sharing is caring!

In order to create lasting passion for the years to come 
Do Volunteer Work together



As a couple it is important to serve and give of your time to others and those who are in need. Volunteering is a way to serve those around you other than yourselves. It is so important that service is incorporated into a marriage. When we spend our time focusing on our own needs, a couple can forget the importance of selfless love and developing this key attribute. There are many ways to serve, and by doing it together your own relationship and love will flourish. Ultimately, you will be able to develop lasting passion for all the years to come. 


Here is a list of potential ways to get yourselves active in volunteering:

http://www.volunteermatch.org/search?l=Spring,%20TX,%20USA

http://greatnonprofits.org/city/spring/TX

http://www.pciranch.org/volunteer/volunteer-opportunities

http://www.lonestar.edu/15678.htm





If you ever feel stagnant in your relationship one of the easiest fixes is to find something else that the two of you can share. There are many great ideas that you can come up with to do together, but make sure that service is one of them. This is the kind of thing that doesn't cost a ton of money and it also doesn't need to fit into a rigid schedule. Spending a few hours a month picking up trash from your local park or helping out at a shelter might not be the most glamorous date, but it is definitely a great way to feel good about yourself and each other. As you are both helping out you can have another attribute in common, which is, putting time into something that is important to both of you. Try a few different volunteer activities, shop around, and only go back to the ones that you both really enjoy. These are easy, fun, and fast ways that allow your marriage to find new meaning. 




You both want to feel good about what you are doing individually and collectively. But this also means that you take that time to feel good about yourself too. In this article it states that some days might be better than others and on those days that don't go well we often become too hard on ourselves. Here are 10 tools to help avoid that trap! 


On this date here is a new skill to learn:
Engage in “Caring Days” - Therapist Richard Stuart (1980) recommends this to all married couples -

Couples will need to identify sets of loving actions that they would like to receive from their partner. These need to be specific like: tell me that you love me at least once a day. Positive and yet small enough to be done on a daily basis, (call me at work during lunch, just to see how I’m doing) and not related to any recent conflict. His research shows that couples engaging in Caring Days significantly enhanced their marital satisfaction. This approach encourages couples to talk openly about how they like to receive love and then agree to do those things often. Your love is important and by engaging in caring days, you will start to see how your love starts to take on a new meaning. Loving each other and doing those actions can keep away the outside negativity, allowing you to focus only on your love.



Sharing is caring! Share your love and let it sweep you off your feet!

Spring your relationship into success

  
A couple can always enjoy some yummy food on a date and whether you go to a restaurant or make dinner from home, turn this into an opportunity to strengthen your marriage and spring your relationship into success! The skill to learn while on this date is to make sure that you are spending at least five hours a week strengthening your relationship.

Famous professor, Dr. John Gottman is known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations. In Gottman’s studies, he found that couples spending at least five hours a week together on their relationship fared the best over time. In order to succeed it is important for the couple to accomplish four things during those five hours:

                  1. Learn one thing that happened in your spouse’s life each day for that week - make it meaningful.
                   2. Have a stress­ reducing conversation at the end of each day that week - don't focus on the stress focus on only talking about the positives.
                   3. Do something special every day to show affection and appreciation - write little love notes that your spouse will find (on the dashboard of the car, use washable markers to write on the shower wall, something that may seem small and insignificant actually has a lasting impact)
                   4. Have a weekly date - dates do not need to be elaborate but they do need to happen! Find a day each week that works out with both of your schedules. Do something small or save up a little to splurge on a restaurant you've been wanting to try, but make it a special time to look forward to. In the long run this will keep your relationship to continue springing forward!


By consistently doing these four things it will start to create an environment of growth and development allowing your relationship and marriage to become more strengthened as a result. 
There should always be time for your love, no matter what
five hours does not take up too much of that time since you have forever together!

Don't discard your spouse like an old piece of bread!



While we all enjoy bakery food, we also enjoy growing closer together within our marriages! No one likes to eat an old piece of bread, just like many couples want to prevent their marriage from becoming stale. 
An important concept to learn when you are eating a baguette while on your next date is:

Accepting Influence from one’s spouse

In marriage the process of sharing the decision-making power with one’s spouse is referred to as accepting influence.This means counseling with and listening to one’s spouse, respecting and considering his or her opinions as valid as one’s own, and compromising when making decisions together (Gottman 1998).




he recipe for a happy healthy marriage is for both partners to share equal ownership and influence in all family affairs (Gottman, 1999). From his studies he concluded that marriages, work to the extent that men accept influence from, and share power with, women. Women, are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, so it is critical for the well-being of marriage that men learn to do likewise.
      Ways to accept influence include:
      We can accept influence by turning to our spouse for advice
      Being open to his or her ideas
      Listening to and considering their opinions
      Learning from our spouse
      Showing respect
      Recognizing points they can can both agree on
      Compromising
      Showing trust in your spouse 
      Being sensitive to their feelings
      Try these helpful talking points:
      “What are your feelings about this issue?
      Please tell me why this is so important to you?
      Tell me how you would solve the problem?
      What are your goals in regard to this issue?


Remember! The kind of tone you use is important and questions need to be framed in accepting the other’s influence. Be understanding, compromising, and most of all work towards unity, this will create goals married couples can achieve. 
And these goals will be ones that last forever building upon your secure foundation.

Let your marriage take flight


We cannot make it through this life without some sort of plan or map. All of us like to have direction in order to know where the end destination is going to be. In a marriage this same principle should be in place. Each individual needs to contribute otherwise, if each spouse has their own map they will be ending up in different places instead of together. When married couples are in love they are also friends first no matter what. To instill your marriage will take flight try applying the following into your next date. And make sure you are both equal aviator's in the plan you want to achieve!  


Love and friendship - What can married couples do?

The skill to learn on this date is to get in synch with your partners love preferences. Find out how your partner likes to receive love and then do those things often. Here is one suggestion:

                                    Build a love map (Gottman and Silver, 1999) 
 A love map is like a mental (or physical) notebook where we collect personal information about our spouse that we want to remember. This can include the spouse’s dreams, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations, and worries. The map helps to identify different “points” about our spouse we know how to love him or her better. Try keeping a physical love map and add to it as the years go by. Make this something special between the two of you. Hang it up and always add to it often, when couples are able to communicate or show their love to the other, the relationship is more likely to stay successful.               
                                                                  
Here is an example: 
If you know your spouse’s favorite food is lasagna, 
you would prepare that meal during an evening together.


Re-cultivate your plan every so often to make sure you are both trying to achieve the same destination.
Your "love maps" will be your ultimate guide to marital success and ensuring that your marriage will take flight in all the years to come! That grand journey is better done together not alone.

Cleaving = Unity



As a couple you need to indulge in those things that are most delicious to you
on this date it is dessert only! 

All types of commitment are important, just like epoxy glue: Mixing the two components gives married couples a super strong bond. Sometimes married couples want to have a 5 minute easy fix to their marital problems. Glue can fix things that are broken but there are still cracks underneath it all. If problems get left unresolved it is much harder to fix them as the years go by as they've had had a chance to build up residue. Having a smooth surface, one that is free of cracks, allows a relationship to have a super strong hold.  




The skill for couples to learn is how to resolve differences in a more healthier way, with active listening instead of impatient listening, and moderating unrealistic expectations by spending an evening alone together each week. Each spouse needs to cleave to the other. 

Spending an evening together does not take much work, and it does not need to cost anything. Just by simply taking that time shows your commitment and love to each other. The dedication to your relationship will keep your bond strong just like epoxy glue. Research shows that personally dedicated couples show a greater priority for the relationship, feel greater satisfaction with giving, and are less likely to seek greener marital pastures (Stanley, 2005).



Remember
Cleaving = Unity

Love is a positive interaction



"To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with." 
-Mark Twain


Explore an old town such as this one located in Spring Texas. Take the time to reminisce on your love and the meaning that has to each of you. Ask each other what it means, and keep in mind it can mean something different to each spouse. 
On this particular date work toward strengthening your positive interaction.

Positive Interaction
Love is a decision that each individual decides on as wether it is found to be important to them or not important. Your love can decide where you will end up based upon how you are interacting with each other. If you want to end up together throughout the years to come, then each spouse needs to make a personal commitment to work on interacting positively. Ceaseless pinpricking and sly remarks will not guarantee a happy marriage, rather it will be one that is focused on fault finding and conflict.




Next, read this article as a couple and ponder what it means to you each individually - ask yourselves how you can work on being better to push out the negative and allow in the positive for your marriage.

To avoid that negativity here is one way a couple can acquire more healthy interactions:

       Couples can focus on positive qualities by making and sharing lists of those things they admire and appreciate about each other. They should be things that made you fall in love with your spouse.




These can also be things like personal traits (intelligent, witty, funny) talents like (a good listener) something you especially like about him or her (love the way they laugh) or even a feature of your relationship that you like ("I like how we you finish each other’s thoughts") or something positive your spouse has done for you, and make sure it is written down.





From this list choose two or three qualities and rehearse them silently in your mind. Put them on an index card and in places where you can see them and think about them (they need to be visible places you see often). Do this daily for up to two weeks. Rotate different qualities from the list and repeat the activity.




This is one way couples can override the temptation to be negative toward one another. 
Couples who nurture their fondness and admiration for one another in this way are better able to accept each other’s flaws and weaknesses and prevent them from threatening their relationship (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Creating an environment of growth and development



Enjoy the great outdoors and let your love grow just like the nature all around you.
When you are around beautiful things you are able to have more appreciation for
what is right next to you. Often times couples forget that in order to grow closer together they need to have appreciation. Recognize what your spouse does for you, and do little things daily for them. 


The skill to learn: Couple Councils

Hold regular couple council meetings. This provides couples with the opportunity to discuss issues directly related to their marriage relationship. Couples who regularly visit together about their relationship are more likely to nip marriage problems in the bud.




Robert L. Simpson (1982) understood the importance couple councils
  • Every couple whether in the first or the twenty-first year of marriage, should discover the value of pillow-talk time at the end of the day - the perfect time to take inventory, to talk about tomorrow. And best of all, it’s a time when love and appreciation for one another can be reconfirmed. The end of another is also the perfect setting to say, “I’m sorry about what happened today, please forgive me.” We are all imperfect, and these unresolved differences allowed to accumulate day after day, add up to a possible breakdown in the marital relationship - all for the want of better communication.





No matter what age or stage of life you are in together, make sure you are both valuing the same things and working towards those values even when the times are hard or difficult. Your love needs to be valued just as much as your sleep at the end of the day! Let your love grow!

Success isn't given, it's earned



Your marriage is like a playing field. Once you get on the field it's not about whether you are liked or not liked. All that matters is to play the game at a consistent level, doing whatever it takes to help your team win. This is what a marriage is about. But you each have to give a little that is how you can be a team player. If you find that you are budding heads all too frequently, take a date to uScore Soccer. Here you are able to play soccer and enjoy the game even from indoors. On this date you are learning how to be a team, working together to win the game (or the game of life!)





Couples need to learn how to take an effective “time out” if needed. These timeouts are necessary when you are stressed out and budding heads. There is only so much you can hash out during an argument, that a time out can solidify more healthy communication afterwards. Just like going to a spa or playing your favorite sport is relaxing and calming, timeouts can ultimately achieve the same thing. When couples are stressed out they cannot communicate properly to one another. Make sure the timeout is not longer than 20 minutes, if it is too long then it is more difficult to work out the issue. Afterwards try re-talking in a calm manner and use proper communication etiquette.



Soothe yourself and each other. Taking breaks may be essential if repair attempts are unsuccessful or if you begin to feel out of control (“flooded”) physically and emotionally. Even if you calmed yourself prior to discussing an issue, you may need to continue to do so during the discussion, and use self-relaxation techniques. After spending 20 minutes to calm down you can help soothe each other by talking about what produced the “flood” and what you can continue to do to calm one another (Gottman 1999). Take action by learning how to take breaks. This is an effective concept to learn, and with time it will just become a natural part of what your communication style entails.






A marriage can be applied to sports
Just like in sports success is not given, it's earned
On the field
On the track
In the gym
With blood, sweat, and an occasional tear.
Your marriage is like a playing field. You can avoid the blood and occasional tear by learning how to achieve success together. You are a team no matter what and your love should be the number fan cheering you on through all the fields of life. 

Always look for the good!


When I was newly married, I  learned first hand that when I looked for something to bug me, I would always find it. Thinking things had to be done exactly the way I was taught, I was very critical of how my husband made the bed, folded laundry, and even made dinner. I don’t remember how long this went on but one day I heard the words in my head, “If you keep criticizing the way he is trying to help, pretty soon he will stop helping altogether.” After that moment, my attitude changed; instead of thinking things had to be done a certain way and allowing it to annoy me if they weren’t, I started showing gratitude that they were being done. I stopped remaking the bed if the comforter was crooked or the blankets weren’t tucked in and 18 years later I love walking in my room and seeing a crooked comforter because it tells me that my husband loves me enough to make the bed when I know he really could care less if the bed was made at all. 


Working at marriage






Marriage takes a lot of work and Smart Marriages: The Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education recognizes this. Knowledge is power, and Smart Marriages helps provide information to couples and families. 




To learn a variety of different ways you can strengthen your marriage, take a look at this book: Strengthening Marriages in your Community: 101 Ideas to Get You Started


 

Have you ever wondered how your marriage relationship affects your children?





If we want our children to grow up and have a strong marriage, then we ourselves need to be the example.